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I doubt you, you come through. You don't get angry with me. I don't accuse you. We just work it through. I tell you my insecurities and you reassure me. That's what love is. No anger. No fingers pointed. No frustration. Just me being honest and you confirming that everything is ok and then us being together. So simple...This is what love is supposed to be. The grown up, real kind of love. I love you, baby. You help keep me strong. I support you and let you know you're in the lead....not because you force yourself there but b/c I trust you to be. Like Matt suggested, I'm letting you lead this dance, baby. My heart is in your hands. Please be easy with it. |
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Eh...
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Jun. 2nd, 2006 @ 11:17 am
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If I don't get to see him this weekend I'm just about going to die waiting until next weekend. Seriously. I've banned talking about him on myspace so I'm ranting here...b/c nobody reads this damn thing.
I'm so fucking glad it's Friday. Maybe she'll let me go early today.
C cant' pick up D until tomorrow b/c he has to work tomorrow and his mom won't be around to watch him either.
Sunday is NIN! Yay Monday work is going to suck though. It's all the way in the fucking Woodlands.
We've made a mention of maybe him moving in after the divorce. Some things will have to settle down first. It's too soon but I'm definitely moving in that direction. There aren't many people I want to be around like I want to be around him. Nobody has EVER had this effect on me before. ...the way he settles me. I haven't been nearly wound up since he's been around. It's a nice feeling. |
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Man...
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May. 8th, 2006 @ 10:52 am
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Charlie....you're killing me here. I want you so bad I can taste you. I'm gunna get ya. I am. Wait and see. Dad was trying to fix me up with you for the longest time. LOL D adores you. I adore you. |
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I hate the feeling in my stomach I get when I see his name pop up on IM or my phone. This is the stage where I want to turn and run away as fast as I can but it's like a deer caught in the headlights. You just stand there, watching it get closer and closer until it hits you. I hate feeling that way. I haven't talked to him today and it's driving me crazy. I want to hear his voice.
I don't think I'm going to go to E's house tonight. I think I just want to spend some time here alone thinking..and maybe talking to "him".
I love my kitten so much. I do.
Ministry was fabulous last night. I was on the edge of the pit for So What, Stigmata and Jesus Built My Hotrod. I got knocked down and then picked up by a heavenly, sweaty, very attractive guy. I saw Mike right after talking about Kirk no more than an hour and a half prior so that was just friggin wierd. Spyder gave me a late Xmas present..colors and a huge thing of powdered chocolate. That was so fucking thoughtful.
We had pedicures today and I had to go have my eye looked at b/c I didn't ever feel my contact come out and thought it was stuck. He couldn't find it so I guess it came out and I scratched my eye up trying to get it out when it was already out. What a dumbass I am! |
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drives me crazy. Saturday I plan on walking in his door and losing myself just for one night. Feeling his arms around me. Nothing more. Nothing less. There is something to be said about what's left of this magic that only certain people possess. He possesses it in full force. He has the power to take me away to a place I've wanted to be for a very very long time. For him, I wish I could be perfect. As perfect as he deserves. For now, I'll just take what I can get. He is the most beautiful creature I've ever known. Perhaps I'll fall madly in love but I'd never let him know. He was going to give me his extra Ministry ticket as a bday present b/c he thought I may not be able to get one due to my financial burdens lately. How fucking sweet is that? Perhaps I'll just get a glimpse of what I had last time all next to him, close and warm and safe from the outside world in his bed. She must have been so beautiful to capture his attention and his heart like she did. To mess him up like she did. To turn him away from his heart like she did. I'd give anything for the chance that she had. For now, what I have is what I will take. And...the puppy thing.... How much more perfect could this guy be? I'd give the world just for one chance.
Charlie is amazing. I wonder sometimes where this is going. I talk to him every day. It doesn't feel right unless I text or call to tell him goodnight. I think there might be a really soft heart under that tough exterior. He reminds me of...my daddy.
Ministry Friday. I'm on top of the world. Hopefully N will spend the night. I miss her so much. I wish my house was bigger and she and her little D could move in with me and mine. It would be amazing. There aren't many people in this world I could stand living with. I think about moving away with her sometimes closer to her mom and dad. I think it would be fantastic. I feel so alone lately but in a comfortable way. I don't want to let anyone in right now. Not again. Last time was hard enough to have it explode in my face. I want to be alone.I guess that's what so perfect about E. I know this isn't going anywhere. I guess it's a safe zone.
May. 3rd, 2006 @ 09:51 pm
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| » random update... |
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My bday this weekend. Plans to go with the man I love to eat or maybe movies. He's coming over tonight to eat with us and maybe stay the night. Not sure what the hell I'm doing here. Proceeding with original plan but can't help to still love him very much. I can't make myself lose those feelings. Day by day. Excited about the party this weekend for D. Piano due to arrive shortly. All bday favors are here. N and her son are coming. Adriana and her son are too. So are Charlie and his little one. Having a party at his school Friday. Orientation is Tuesday. So much going on. So little time. Divorce is soon to come but not really sure how I feel about it. I miss him. I will never love anyone like him nor will any man love D and I like that ever again. He's very sick with his addiction and I'm not sure that will ever go away. Why does there always have to be a very very big glitch in everything?
Charlie..what a hoot. This guy really is a gem. Had a bit of trouble recently with a guy and he threatened to tear him into pieces. It's like having a big brother that isn't a big brother so it's ok to think he's hot and want to kiss him.
I'm not having sex anymore. Period. After the Davin cheating on me thing I realized it's too easy these days. Sex means nothing to most people and with the scare of him fucking her beyond my expectation and not using protection....I'm putting my sex life on hold. I'm ok with that. My son is too important...and so am I. If a guy cares...he'll be ok with that too.
Got my eyes check and got some contacts. Yay for me. I shall see during the ministry show after all. I have an astigmatism (sp). I also have some type of cornea degeneracy? Not sure but he says this kind is imperfections in the eye and hereditary. Not anything serious just something I should be aware of. Basically, maybe an excuse for me to not be able to use the coupon and have to pay more money. ?! My guess, anyhow.
Getting quotes in to trim the front tree. About to break down and get a new mower cause this one's going capoot.
I wish I had one more bedroom. I'd make N move in with me.
That about wraps it up.
Apr. 25th, 2006 @ 02:48 pm
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| » single life.. |
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Is being relatively good to me. I'm meeting people. I can come/go as I please. I don't have to answer to anyone or explain myself to anyone. I'm getting out more. My back hasn't hurt in 3 weeks so I'm assuming it's because I'm not stressed. Things are good. I've got some awesome new people I'm keeping company with. Things with ***** are level and have me very very happy. It started off on fire and now it's down to a smoulder but that's good enough for me right now. I'm content with that. I may fall head over heels but I'm not going to let him know that. I'll settle for sleeping in his arms here and there. I've wanted that for years. I'm just playing it cool. I've got Charlie looking out for me and interested in spending time with me. I don't need more than that. For the first time in years, I'm actually happy. I'm at peace to a certain extent. I'm single for the first time in YEARS and I mean since um...1998 technically. This is really new to me but I love it.
D is acting a tad better I'm sure b/c I'm happier. I miss C terribly. I worry about him. I know now that I needed to mend before I tried to get into a relationship. I love him. I'm still crushed over what's happened and need to pick up my pieces before I try to fit them into someone else's life. It was bad timing.
I'm getting it all sorted out, ya know. I'll get there. This weekend, P wants me to go on the boat with her husband and her. I have Easter bunny pics, egg hunting, etc to do. I need to get my hair colored and contacts before the Ministry concert. I'm going with Nicole but ***** had mentioned he had an extra ticket and to find him there even if I was too proud to take that one (which I was) We'll see. I'm pretty excited. I miss Nicole bad. I wish she lived closer.
Apr. 13th, 2006 @ 05:23 pm
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| » his arms... |
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were magic. I have never felt so perfectly comfortable. I didn't want to leave:-(
Apr. 3rd, 2006 @ 10:52 am
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| » someone had him |
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while he was mine
no matter what i do to try to make this work
it will always taint what we have
i thought he was different
i thought we were different
i always expect that
but not this time
never before
never again
thought he wouldn't even be tempted
thought at least
enough respect
even if things were so bad
that he loved me
to the point
he wouldn't do something like that
i'm trying to make this work
but it hurts
i can't even look in his eyes
because it isn't the same
i don't know why
that has anything to do with it
something is missing now
i just hope one day it will come back
b/c i'm not happy
it hurts to have him next to me
knowing she tasted him
she fucked him
she made him cum
while he belonged to me
it wasn't what i thought it was
i just hope maybe one day
it can be
Jan. 28th, 2006 @ 05:56 pm
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| » do this... |
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Do this (or not, you know....whatever)
1. Reply with your name and I'll respond with something random about you.
2. I'll tell you what song/movie/book/fictional character reminds me of you.
3. I'll pick a substance to wrestle with you in.
4. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me. Or at least me.
5. I'll tell you my favorite memory of you.
6. I'll tell you what animal or plant you remind me of.
7. I'll ask you something that I've always wondered about you.
8. If I do this for you, you must post this on your journal.
Sep. 16th, 2005 @ 12:47 pm
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